This week marks week #37. For those of you who subscribe to the same GA calendar I do, that means I'm officially FULL TERM.
Yes, pregnancy is counted on a 40 week calendar. But at 37 weeks, we've reached the zone where Noodle has 99.99% chance of being fully and completely developed and totally capable of sustaining life without any medical intervention outside of the womb. Dr. John, as well as most OB/GYN's count 37 weeks as full term because of this.
So shall I!
Now let's remember that Dr. John is very excited to deliver this baby whenever it decides to make it's appearance, and has encouraged us to "feel free" to go into labor whenever I'd like. *laughs* Because we all know how much control we have over that... In other words, Dr. John is in NO WAY concerned if I go into labor at any moment.
Neither, friends, am I.
I could tell you how big Noodle is these days, but truth is, I don't know. Noodle is big enough to make his or her entrance into this big world any time he or she is ready. I'm estimating that Noodle will be closer to 7lbs than 6lbs and closer to 20" than 18". But honestly, what do I know? I guess we'll just have to wait and see!
Lately I've been pretty torn about how I'm feeling these days. A large part of me is already well under the spell of wanting labor to start NOW. That feeling of being done with pregnancy likes to rear it's ugly head at me fairly regularly. The other part of me is very, very sad. (Complete with late-night crying jags over mounds of chocolate!) I love how safe and protected Noodle is right now and I sincerely don't want Noodle to have to leave that wonderful place in there. I'm sad about not being pregnant anymore, or ever again. I'm sad about never experiencing anymore kicks and hiccups and even the stupid back pain. It's hard to say goodbye to this part of my life. I'm sure my emotional outbursts are fueled heavily by the raging hormones my body is experiencing as we near labor and delivery, but often I find myself daydreaming about how beautiful pregnancy is, how much I love the gift of creating life inside me and how heartbroken I am over it ending very soon.
All of that beautiful, sentimental stuff does, however, take a flying leap out the nearest window as my anxiety builds and all I want is to hold my baby in my arms and kiss Noodle's eyes and look at those incredibly small, exquisite little fingers holding on to mine.
People, it's a battle I'm not going to win. It's going to be over, regardless of me, and I'll be left picking up the pieces of BOTH of these sides of myself. In the meantime, I'm just trying to contain it all from bubbling out of me and onto the innocent people around me!
This last weekend, Mister and I went to his company Christmas party at a local resort. It was marvelous, as it always is. We dressed up pretty (see picture above, although Mister had already removed his tie and jacket!), we socialized with other adults and enjoyed a truly incredibly holiday feast. We even won $100! Our intent was to also spend that time on a sort of "Babymoon." We realized going into that weekend that it was going to be our last weekend out before Noodle came, and we wanted to savor every quiet moment together. I'm not sure what that resulted in for Mister, but speaking for myself, that feeling of subtle loss shadowed the entire experience for me. Every little thing was "the last_____" for me and I was left feeling emptied out and tired by the time we left. We managed to get quite a bit of great sleep (the beds there are INSANELY comfortable) and had some out of this world treats, but as we drove away I couldn't help but feel we'd officially left our life behind and headed toward a whole new part of ourselves completely unknown to us. I want, very much, to feel the sense of adventure that comes from that. I truly do. And I think a part of me sincerely does.
I think a lot of pregnancy blogs out there, and certainly a lot of mothers and fathers, try to consistently wax poetic about the beauty, joy and happiness that comes from a new baby. And friends, there is certainly a lot of it! But I think people are rarely willing or capable to voice the reality that comes with it, too. I'm not talking about the late night feedings, sleepless frustrations and lack of feeling human those first few weeks, goodness knows we've all heard a lot of THOSE stories, too. No, I'm talking about this sense of being completely lost. I have 2 other children and I can say that for me, each and every pregnancy brought out this same sense of being hopelessly lost. I have no idea what's coming. Will Noodle truly be born healthy without any significant challenges, or will we face being parents to a disabled child? How will Mister and I function as parents of a biologically shared child and will the differences we feel because of that change how our other children perceive us? How are we going to function at 2am in 6 weeks postpartum? Will we remain understanding and patient with each other, or will we fall victim to the notoriously destructive postpartum period that actively ravages most couples? And how in the wide, wide world is my heart going to open even further to love another child?
There's no map or compass for these things. There are lots of people out there who sympathize, offer their support and encouragement, tell it like it is and remind constantly that those feelings are normal and safe. And they are. That's all true, friends. But that lingering feeling of the fear of the unknown cannot be swayed by experiences in these matters, advices from friends or quiet support of peers and loved ones. It's still there. It's a big piece of who I am and I struggle with it until each of my children are born, safely, into my arms and then well into the postpartum period. Truth be told, I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy. In fact, I think the fact that I not only think these things consciously, but also emotionally process them, make me somewhat more prepared for what mysterious challenges lie ahead. I just wish more people would voice it, than bottle it up and sell us all the story of the fairytale. It leads a lot of new parents (and hopeful parents) into a world of lies. Having a new baby IS wonderful. It's beautiful and magical and there's truly nothing like it. From conception to delivery, from those first few days until they're grown and having children of their own, I believe having a child is very, very awesome. And beyond all that, when you realize it's your last new adventure and you're almost back to camp from the woods of pregnancy, newborn in your arms, answers in your hands, it's also very...final.
I guess that's enough rambling for now. Don't get the impression that I'm in any way upset, because that's not really the case. I'm so excited for Noodle to make an appearance that I almost can't stand it! I just wanted to take a second to voice the emotional upheaval of a mother at the end of her LAST pregnancy. Because those emotions are very raw and very real and very rarely ever discussed. We can smooth them over with discussions of hardship and babysitters and future date nights, but there will always be a very live, very aching part of me that missing the feeling of my mind, heart and body heavy with child.
And that, friends, is just that. Like it or lump it.
Well, let's get off of THAT deep topic and onto something a bit lighter, yes?
We have another appointment with Dr. John tomorrow and I'm anticipating hearing if I've been progressing or not. After our family had a fight with the flu bug this last weekend, I feel that Noodle has dropped significantly because of the physical exertion from all the vomiting I did, and I'm hoping to have that confirmed. The last few days, I've been dealing with what lots of moms out there call "lightening crotch", where Noodle's head is so low on my cervix that every little wiggle sends a bolt of lightening through my nerves! If I stand up or lift a leg to put my pants on or try to slide my foot into a slipper, this horrible lightening occurs. It makes me gasp outloud and stop in my tracks, too. It's is wildly no fun, but a good sign, I think. On Sunday, I was 90% sure I was in pre-labor, but much to my own dismay, it stopped. I woke up that day feeling "off" and having increasingly significant contractions throughout the day. I wasn't willing to walk in public for very REAL fear of either a membrane rupture or an intense contraction. And I ended the night by walking almost 3 miles downtown in the dark. Which, of course, lead to continuing contractions at 2-4 minute intervals until nearly 4am when I finally fell asleep.
Today is very similar and marked progressive with the presence of other symptoms as well. I've had another increase in cervical mucous discharge and it's increasingly pink. My back pain has become rythmical at times and is accompanied by a severe ache in my upper thighs. (For those of you who are unaware, thigh muscles naturally sympathize with the uterus. So thigh pain is common in the early stages of labor and in fact, relaxation of the thigh muscles during active labor is one of the more important ways to handle pain tolerance and shorten the active labor phase...just saying...) I've spent the majority of the day feeling very, very strange. (This is a very common symptom in early labor too, usually marking labor within the next 72 hours or so...but there's no scientific way to prove that as each woman's "off" is different than the next.) My entire body tingles with each contraction and the pelvic and cervical pressure is becoming overwhelming as they continue. Contractions are not, however, consistent or increasing at this point. I'm dealing with an increase in bowel movements and emotional upheavals, as well as energy waves that leave me nearly destructively productive, then incredibly fatigued.
To top that all off, my "Mom Alarms" have been going off since Sunday. Today they're blaringly loud, friends.
Now there's no real way for me to say I should be in labor soon, as we all know my labor could still be 3 weeks away. There's no list of symptoms that will help me determine when it will all start. And truth be told, I'm already past my estimated date! But my instincts are telling me it will be sooner rather than later.
Waiting for labor to start is like waiting for a bomb to go off. It's the most miserable part of pregnancy for me. I'm constantly monitoring every little stinking thing and analyzing it for clues to impending labor. I can't wait to pee again without analyzing that experience, too! And sleep...oh sleep...
Well, I suppose that's it for now. I know I didn't do the questions, but I had more on my mind than whether or not I needed more maternity clothes or had new stretch marks.
The answer is NO to both of those, by the way. Tee hee!!
See you soon, friends. Be well!
