*gag*
No. Well, yes, they are, but no...they're discouraging the crap outta me.
When I got pregnant with BabyGirl, I was the girl in those photos. I was a toned 135lbs, I was 19 years old and I rocked that cute little bump. Even after her delivery, I was within the 140lb range within weeks and I stayed there for a handful of years. I never had to buy new clothes after her birth because I just crawled back into my jeans. In fact, it was the year before I got pregnant with Boo that I started to gain weight. When I got pregnant with him, I was an annoying 160lbs and, believe me, it was a large part of my depression that year. Or maybe my depression made me fat? Anyway...whatever way you wanna slice it, I was overweight when I got pregnant with Boo. Not much, but some. His pregnancy was super traumatic (made worse by doctors afraid of malpractice and loaded to the gills with paranoia over my reaction to the littlest bad news, I later found out) and I gained A LOT of weight during his pregnancy. Added to the fact that I'd quit smoking just two months before I got pregnant with him. (And I ate my cravings, let me tell you.) When he was born, I was sitting squarely over the 200lb mark. Yeah. That made my postpartum depression even more colorful, folks. Let me assure you I wasn't in any way happy or comfortable with my post-baby body.
Now, let's not get too hasty and say I let it stay that way. When Boo was a handful of months old and I'd moved to a new apartment, I started a whole crazy workout regimen. I started running. I worked out at the gym at my apartment complex. I did Insanity! workouts and started taking supplements and eating better. I lost weight. Slowly, but I lost it.
Then life laughed at me, kicked me around a bit and I found myself coping with my chaos through the usual heaps of food. And the weight started coming back.
Which leads us to the fact that I was overweight when I got pregnant this time. Obese, technically. Although still running frequently and beginning to lose weight, I was a ridiculous 180lbs this time. To make matters worse, my severe morning sickness has lead to me eating incredibly unhealthy foods at ridiculous times of day just to keep my caloric intake up and the weight, friends, is going to start packing on any minute.
While other moms get worried about labor and delivery, get paranoid about the adventures of breastfeeding, and get over stressed about life with a baby and a toddler...I find myself OBSESSED with my weight. I just flat. out. do. not. want. to. be. the. fat. mom. anymore! I don't need to be "thin," I've never liked the bodies society considers beautiful in today's world, but I'd like to be comfortable in my own skin. It's been about 5 years since I've truly felt pretty and that is long enough!
I keep telling myself that I'll get back to running soon, but this baby has other plans and requires me to do a lot of vomiting and laying down. I constantly remind myself that the doctor isn't at all worried about my weight currently and though we're aware that my BMI is in the Obese category to begin this pregnancy, she has assured me that I'm going to be fine. (I love that woman!) I keep reminding myself that I'm working with lactation specialists to help me breastfeed this baby and we're all well aware of the weight benefits to that! And most importantly, I keep telling myself that weight should truly be the LAST of my concerns. I'll deal with it when I can. Now is not the time to be so overly obsessed with it.
I'm just so damn unhappy about it. It's making me somewhat resentful. Every time I have to get up on that scale at the doctor's office, I smile and make a joke while I scream inside and pound my fists on the walls of this fat, squishy shell.
Now, before you all get upset, I realize that this all seems extreme and pointless. And extremely pointless. I also realize that it truly is nothing I should be concerned about. I'm not showing any signs of obesity-induced pregnancy problems, like gestational diabetes or high blood pressure. And that's something to be thankful for.
You know what else we can be thankful for?
WE'RE IN THE SECOND TRIMESTER!! Woohoo! We made it!
Now...on with the show. Thanks for letting me vent and tell it a little like it is.
How Far Along Am I?
14 weeks today! WOOHOO!
Baby Is the Size Of?
Average baby is 3.4 inches long and roughly 1.5 ounces! WOWZA!
Maternity Clothes?
This hasn't changed much since last week. My maternity shorts are now way too big and I wore them to weed the garden yesterday and they kept falling down. I can fit into a pair of my "regular" jeans again and my maternity jeans won't stay up. So it's still a lot of stretch pants, pajamas and sweats. If I'm leaving the house, I just pray things stay on!
Stretch Marks?
I think my eyes have a few from constantly being OPEN.
Sleep?
This week has really been difficult for me. I'm officially having trouble laying on my back and I've got to stop doing it. I get cramps when I lay on my right side, which is normal during pregnancy, but a complete pain in my...well, abdomen, I guess! So...I've come to the conclusion that I've got to start staying on my left side from now until this baby arrives. That being said, I sleep on the couch a lot because it's easier to stay propped on my left side (and it's closer to the bathroom to ease my nausea worries). I've got to invest in a maternity pillow, I think. I love my bed and I love sleeping next to Mister...but it's getting progressively worse...so, it's officially time to start figuring out some solutions.
And DREAMS. Woah! Holy vivid dreams, Batman! This week, they were all not scary, thank goodness, but all of my dreams are wickedly vivid. It's been kinda fun to sleep once the insomnia monkey lays down for the night.
Best Moment of the Week?I felt pretty good on the afternoon of Independence Day, so I was able to somewhat enjoy the festival with the kiddos.
My skin, however, got angry about it and became incredibly burned. Just to spite me, I'm sure. It had nothing to do with my lack of sunblock...shh...
Miss Anything?
Sleeping on my back.
Running.
Steak, still.
Clothes that fit.
Feeling like a human.
Movement?
Lots and lots. Although Noodle is still small, I can feel her moving around in there quite a bit! I can't wait until Mister can feel it, too.
Food Cravings?
Lots and lots and lots of green olives!
I'm still in love with Classic lays potato chips.
And lots of flavored water. Yum!
Food Aversions?
Pretty much everything else. I can manage to keep down plain breads and tortillas, and sometimes some peanut butter, but almost everything else will turn my stomach. It's still a war against food.
Am I Showing?
Yes. And my bump is becoming uncomfortable for bending over and things like that.
Labor Signs?
Nope.
Belly Button?
In.
Rings?
On. And staying that way.
Happy or Moody?
Looking Forward To?
Right now I've got my eyes focused on the relief of the second trimester. Now that I'm there, that relief better be there, too! I'm getting pretty exhausted from being sick and exhausted. I'm sick and tired of it!
...ha ha ha...see my joke there?
Miscellaneous Updates:
I tried Zofran some more this week, and still hated it. I haven't yet filled my newest prescription for Raglan, because I seriously just don't want to. I'm convinced that any minute now my nausea will ease up and I'll find myself in the "honeymoon of pregnancy" that the second trimester is known for. Keep your fingers crossed!
As the realization that the weeks are flying by hits me full in the face, I'm beginning to get slightly panicked about having everything we need. Although we have mostly all of it, I can feel the nagging of nesting whispering in my ear...and the anxiety that comes from being a Preggo mom. I found myself making mental checklists several times this week about what items I still need. I laid awake for several hours the other night putting things together in my mind and arranging the baby's nursery area in our bedroom. Needless to say, it's stressing me out a little.
I think I need pregnancy yoga to de-stress, but I'd be stressed out the whole time from my fear of throwing up in front of others...
See you next week!
No comments:
Post a Comment